Maybe you can shoo your family out of the house for an hour or two on the weekend. Introverts are aware of their own shortcomings. Mumnesia is real. “It can be a strain on introverted parents to not be getting any time to themselves – that can lead to conflict,” says Susan Cain, author of the best-seller Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. However, introverted kids would appreciate if you get closer in the most unobtrusive way possible: Ask their opinion on certain issues, including those you face at work, for example, or read a book and discuss it together. When extraverts are shaking off a bad day and planning on making the next one extra good, introverts are flagellating themselves and hoping child services don’t show up. But that isn’t the case for me. Raidah Shah Idil is a mother of two, poet, writer, and dreamer. It’s not selfish, it’s self-care. All of my days and nights revolve around meeting the daily needs of my two little girls, no matter how tired we all are. You don’t have to be an introvert to successfully parent an introverted child. By Kristen Howerton This is a safe space, so I’m going to tell you something I don’t dare speak aloud at home in my living room: If I have to provide voices for the creatures of My Little Pony for one more minute, it will likely be a string of expletives that would melt Pinkie Pie’s little plastic ears. Little Sis looks up adoringly at Big Sis. SBS acknowledges the traditional owners of country throughout Australia. Discover quiet activities that work for you and your kids. Right from the beginning I was as self-conscious and insecure and competitive about motherhood as I’d been about anything else in my life. Introvert parents may question their relevance and worth as a parent, and are at heightened risk of anxiety and depression. Understanding your worth as an introverted parent can go a long way to assuaging guilt and finding meaning. Scientists are discovering that introverts take in more information from their surroundings than other people and require solitude (alone!) Introvert’s brains also have a higher level of activity than others, they run “hotter.” This means that introverts tend to limit input from their environment; they may seek to avoid crowds (shopping with a toddler) or high-adrenaline situations (most things with a toddler) as their brains are already pretty well activated. Now when I read articles where introverts are talking about needing to have 3 or 4 hours alone every day I can’t help but feel a little jealous. Introverts are aware of their own shortcomings. The other two kids play with each other, while it’s not their turn with Mom. When parenting becomes a … This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. Is western parenting advice culturally biased? But they’re worth it. I am certainly not my best self. What I would give for some blissful, restorative solitude. And I don’t get enough of that solitary recharge. On bad days, we melt down when my husband leaves for work. My oldest daughter, for example, is a classic introvert. Reading books together can be replenishing, as well as some craft activities (but not all craft activities, some are horrifying). Well, yes, but extraverts tend to be happier about everything (Lischetzke & Eid, 2006). So, when you add an excitable child to a brain that requires solitude and is easily overwhelmed what could possibly be challenging? No, not at all. If introverts can’t get peace and quiet to digest the influx of information, they risk feeling overwhelmed – which is bad. What I know so far is that I have a lot more to learn, and that’s okay. Every parent wants their child to be outspoken and social. Sounds great doesn’t it? When Frankie and Tina fell pregnant, the advice from health professionals here sometimes contradicted traditions from Malaysia, leaving them with a difficult decision – follow “western” advice and risk offending their families. Here are a few other truths about parenting as an introvert. These things make for high. However, what they found when they actually asked introverts, “Do you want to be happy?” was that most introverts were like, “Nah, not really.”. And then I had two. The way an introvert's brain works best goes directly against “good" parenting and culture. Have high self-awareness 7. Now, it’s an estimated 50-74 per cent. Since I was a little girl, the library was my favourite place in the world. Since introverts absorb more information than extraverts, they may notice things that others … As the day drags on, I feel my energy levels deplete. This can be incredibly valuable in raising children. Find the things that work for you and your children and invest time in those activities every day. If this struggle is as real for you as it is for me(! introverts today face one overarching challenge – not to feel like misfits in their own culture.” The way an introvert’s brain works best goes directly against “good” parenting and culture. Introverts are often not good at thinking on the spot, but they are awesome at making plans. I’ll keep listening and loving my child - and I’ll keep being grateful we live in a society that now understands that there are many ways to be yourself. So, here are 15 things you must understand if you’re the parent of an introvert. The happier snapshots of our day look like this: We all wave goodbye when my husband leaves for work. I loathe small talk but love deep conversations, dread large crowds but enjoy one-on-one conversations, and enjoy losing myself in writing, reading and drawing. Once they move on from the flagellation, introverts actually have a really good grasp on what’s going on, even when it’s not great. Acceptance is key. Preferably locked. They may pay more attention to the minutia of kid’s lives, those simple things that mean the most. And yet, as my bleary-eyed husband and I look at each other through the haze of deprivation, we know that this exhausting stage will end. Before our vibrant girls wake up, I know how much the two of us need solitude to start our days. Oh, right - I try to schedule date night with said husband once a week to nourish my marriage, or what’s left of it, after the exhaustion of two little girls. Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. Letting go: the moment your child stops giving you hugs. It’s important that a parent in such a situation first understands that two “states” can exist at the same time, but that they have different natures. New mum Kimberley Gillan shares why hearing parenting horror stories and expecting the worst worked in her favour. You’ll be a nicer, more effective parent if you carve out a little introvert … I often find myself worn out by her need for interaction, with me or with other people. A couple of weeks ago, she had a playdate with four friends that lasted longer than we had planned. My introvert self is almost always starving for more time to rest, more solitude, and more serenity (Getty Images ). Splitting the kids among parents. My husband always woke up before I did, so he would often bike ride alone, and come back recharged. New mum Kimberley Gillan shares why hearing parenting horror stories and expecting the worst worked in her favour. More than two years after its publication, her book is still on bestseller lists. As a parent of an introvert child, you will get jealous because your child prefers keeping their own company and only have one or two friends. I am grateful that my second baby sleeps easier than my first. This may lead introverted parents to ignore their own needs as they attempt to fit this new expectation. It’s not always easy, but I want to stay connected to my brothers and sisters. … If you love your children just a tiny bit more when they’re asleep then you might be an introvert, too. Are extraverts happier about their parenting experiences? On good nights where both my children sleep well, I sleep well too, so I get to wake up an hour before they do. I was once asked what I wished I’d known before having children. to process it. For an introvert, Cain has made quite a splash. Not all extroverted parents do these things to their introverted kids. This is an unpopular position for a loving mother to find herself in. Research did focus on introverts’ apparent unhappiness for a while, trying to figure out what this meant and how it could be helped. Make other people leave the house. It felt too hard. Introverted kids behave in the way they do because of their innate temperament, and the more you embrace their inborn nature, the happier your child will be. This isn’t as unfair as it sounds, because introverts (complicated creatures that they are) are actually not that concerned with being happy. Why being an introvert parent can be a very good thing. Not long ago, my sister and I had a ... Like most parents, my husband and I don’t get nearly enough time just the two of us. My sister is an introvert too, and my brother is an ESTJ (it’s funny because my sister and I are INFPs). It’s okay to not want to be around other people, it’s ok to limit social engagements or avoid crowded, busy environments. If you're an introvert and the parent of a small human, it can be very freeing to realize that maybe it's not just that you "don't like the baby stage." Extroverted parents need lots of stimulating activities, plenty of social interaction and big gatherings; whilst their introverted children need exactly the opposite – it is a recipe for disaster unless you learn to compromise and plan to accommodate both personality types. Honor your need for alone time. Introverts want meaningful experiences and they want to savor them. Are extraverts happier about their parenting experiences? I cherish my relationships with my siblings. After especially bad nights, I totally understand when my husband needs to go downstairs for his breakfast ‘quiet time’. Are strong listeners 3. Raidah Shah Idil is a mother of two, poet, writer, and dreamer. Watching Susan Cain’s TED talk helped me see that there wasn’t anything wrong with me - I am an introvert. I didn’t know what an introverted child even looked like, until I met my daughter’s introverted playmate. She smiled at me softly and said that I would forget, and that I’d have another, so my firstborn would have a friend. We understand. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. And this is the heartbreaking truth about being an introvert mama of two little girls - there is never enough downtime. When Frankie and Tina fell pregnant, the advice from health professionals here sometimes contradicted traditions from Malaysia, leaving them with a difficult decision – follow “western” advice and risk offending their families. Why is it so bad to be an introvert? I know Sophie's extroverted qualities will serve her amazingly well as she grows. How Two Introvert Parents Raise an Extrovert Child. Introverts have some fantastic skills, and sometimes the meaning of life really can be found while reading a book in an empty house. It’s not all gloom though. Right from the beginning I was as self-conscious and insecure and competitive about motherhood as I’d been about anything else in my life. Well, let’s just say we understand why you mourn the end of naptime so much (mama needs a few minutes of quiet, dammit). Introverts may sense children’s triggers, the tiny signals that indicate a switch in mood or an impeding meltdown. These cookies do not store any personal information. What I’ve learnt about parenting a queer teen. It might be added here that various sorts of parent-child personality combinations exist: not only an introverted child with an extroverted mother but the reverse as well. Parents may interpret this as a disrespectful behavior and a sign of rejection, when really they need time alone to “recharge”. I’ll keep listening and loving my child - and I’ll keep being grateful we live in a society that now understands that there are many ways to be yourself. To use Parent.com please agree to our privacy policy. But it doesn’t mean you can’t do an amazing job. Follow her on her twitter @raidahshahidil. But, other parents are especially intimidating because their outward confidence makes it seem like they know what they’re doing all the time. If introverts can’t get peace and quiet to digest the influx of information, they risk feeling overwhelmed – which is bad. If you get a babysitter, or regular childcare, make sure you either drop off your kid or that the babysitter takes them out. They exist! To complicate things further, it’s possible for some children to be introverted and to struggle with shyness at the same time. Some parents are lucky and get their little doppelganger but other parents find themselves in a position where their child's personality is drastically different for their own. Put your children in the stroller/carrier and go for a walk with headphones in. There are a lot of articles out there for parents. But we introverts, we get it. Since introverts absorb more information than extraverts, they may notice things that others miss. to process it. The park or Target are good go-to places for dad and kids to wander aimlessly. Find some structure. To make things even more interesting, I keep giving birth to extroverts. I could get lost in a book, and everybody had to be quiet. As an introverted teen (15 years old), I must say that I’m glad that my parents are introverts. One day, there will be no more diapers, Legos and other choking hazard scattered all over the floor. Time alone to potter around an empty house and make your own decisions is vital. Well, one parent was introverted but hardly ever home so I was raised by an extroverted parent mainly and… Oh, it’s bloody damn well horrible, I’ll tell you that. You can find Raidah hunting for patches of green in the city, playing puppets with her young daughters, and writing when she really should be sleeping. [su_spacer size=”30″][su_spacer][/su_spacer]. To recharge, most of my nights involve me frantically doing as much decompressing as possible. Is western parenting advice culturally biased? I cannot imagine what it would be like to live with two extroverted children and an extroverted husband. Introverts are not necessarily shy, socially awkward, or clever bookworms with a past/present that features a fondness for Dungeons and Dragons. Follow her on her twitter @raidahshahidil. Guess who has to stay calm and grounded, in the midst of this chaos. There is never enough time for me. How parenting advice assumes you’re white and middle class And this Mama Battery needs daily recharging. Now I need my morning and night-time recharge more than ever. Even getting 20 minutes to yourself makes a difference, and pointing out the occasional butterfly on a walk makes small people happy, too. Instead, I should have been contemplating whether it’s easier for an introverted mother (or two introverted parents) to rear an introverted child than for an extroverted mother (or father) to raise one. My eldest is strong-willed, spirited, and an extroverted force of nature from the very beginning. The way an introvert’s brain works best goes directly against “good” parenting and culture. I wish I could just run away to a cafe, not make eye contact with anyone, and lose myself in a novel. Need time to ponder questions before answering 5. This is called “depressive realism” and it means that they can make more effective changes when required. These are some of the comments that you will get from parents of extroverted children. Little Sis will be doing tummy time, while shouting, until we all turn to look at her. A Resource to Help. What are parents supposed to look like anyway? If you’re an introvert parent raising an extrovert child, Dr. Sheedy Kurcinka advises bringing in your village. If parenting is a process of letting go, does a cuddle express the yearning to hold on? Are introverts destined to not enjoy parenting? They may pay more attention to the minutia of kid’s lives, those simple things that mean the most. I’m peacekeeper, referee and cuddle-supplier to two little girls with developing frontal lobes. Culture dictates that happiness is a goal for everyone, it’s deserved and should be strived for and if you’re not happy then what’s wrong? Don’t get me wrong - my first and second babies were and still are deeply wanted. Taking the time to read your child’s cues and learning to respect their boundaries will go a long way. by Krista Torres. Seger-Guttmann and Medler-liraz go on to say that, “introverts today face one overarching challenge – not to feel like misfits in their own culture.” The way an introvert’s brain works best goes directly against “good” parenting and culture. How to deal with conflicting parenting advice when you live between two cultures Are introverts destined to not enjoy parenting? Introvert parents may question their relevance and worth as a parent, and are at heightened risk of anxiety and depression. What You Should Know About Your Introverted Kid 1. “We’re a family of introverts,” I tell my daughters. During playdates, both my daughters either run or  turbo crawl into the heat of the action. So, maybe I’m just projecting my insecurities about being an introvert onto them.” – Jonathan, 40, North Carolina. Don’t mistake this pattern for a lack of interest in other people; introverts often form deep attachments—they’re just very focused and selective. 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